A Journal: Chapter 12

September 4, 1999  *************************

. . . . . Well, I keep trying to stay away from this web site and keep getting called back. Major changes, but everything's the same. Oppression rules.

. . . . . I finally lucked out and got some stuff back from my (would-be) wife, back in April actually. And discovered among the stuff she abandoned without telling me in the house we shared a copy of the little ditty I wrote back in the early '80s titled "Let's Blame It All On Ann Landers". I have scanned it into my machine (hey, it's only taken me four months) but still need to convert it to HTML, so everyone who's been holding their breath about this missing document <smile>, keep breathing 'cause tomorrow (you bet) I'm gonna post it to the 'Net.

. . . . . This reminds me that I've been so depressed for so long about having no one to talk to except this machine that I sometimes quit talking to my audience, the World. (Hello, world. <sad smile>) And the thing that bothers me the most is that nothing I say will make any difference 'cause it seems like everybody's already made their mind up about me. (And don't forget what I said on one of the first pages I posted to this site__that not making a decision is making a decision.) And what I'm thinking about now is the fact that while I have told a couple of people that I'm forgoing the possibility of another relationship because of the vows I made to mary and I'm dead certain there are people who are convinced this is the way I want it and it's a cheap effort to evade the socially responsible approach of being responsible for more people than just myself. And so it goes...  (2014 note:  me rationalizing another partner)

. . . . . I have always disliked feeling the need to explain myself, perhaps because too often there have been no logical explanations of my actions, but more likely I am all too cognizant of the fact that any explanation I have to offer will in too many instances meet a set of preconceived notions that are dead set on aligning my explanation with judgments already in place. There is also my pet theory that "The universe keeps changing." Not a gimme, now. But it's the future i'm talking about, the future that keeps changing.  Actually i guess it's the parallel universes that Gaskins expounded upon.  More very tough doctrine that is sadly not so tough to people who have lived their life on the edge of what we might call acceptable society. There are things we don't like to admit to ourselves, you know. (Like, we might make a difference.) By that I mean simply my willingness to admit that we might all be in this together, and the universe is either going to return to its root (heaven, if you will) or go to hell in the proverbial handbag. (Or is it handbasket? What's a handbasket?) The reality I have preferred over this one (the truth really is all around us you know) is the repeated flood theme, only fire this time, where a remnant gets to start over and we have to evolve to the state where there are 6,578,288,872 people in the world to have the chance we have right now, like "The kingdom of heaven is at hand." (Although, in truth, my leaning at the moment is that there are like 144,000 sentient beings and like 5.5 billion angels. See what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:2-3 "I knew a man in Christ above fourteen years ago, (whether in the body, I cannot tell; or whether out of the body, I cannot tell: God knoweth;) such an one caught up to the third heaven. And I knew such a man, (whether in the body, or out of the body, I cannot tell: God knoweth;)" and tell me that wasn't about angels. Come on, I dare you.

. . . . . Anyway, like I've claimed before, if I can claim any title I would like it to be Seeker of Truth, 'cause it really is where my energies went for twenty years. And this was from the standpoint that there is A God who is nothing like the God I grew up with in church and tried really hard to buy into, time after time after time. This was from the standpoint that there is A God who expects people to do right. And the interesting thing about my whole life is that, like everybody else in the world who thinks about it I guess, I keep wanting to claim Exception. I mean, I can see people jumping up and down and screaming SINNER at me at the top of their lungs. (See it all the time actually. And they get part of it right anyway.)

. . . . . What I might be trying to say is that when the world is about to end badly, I don't care how fast I drive my car or abuse my tools or act in public; when our shared universe is leaning toward a rejuvenation experience call it, I tend to be more reserved in my actions. ('Cause obviously I've 'gotten in tune with the straight and narrow' as The Who sang oh so long ago. <smile>  )(2021 note:  i think this a shameless effort to try to get people to pay more attention to me, when what i want is less)

. . . . . But back to explaining myself:  For the longest time, like i said somewhere on this site earlier, I worked on simply loving everything and everybody and believe me, it wasn't easy. And believe it or not, I got results. And didn't exactly try to hide them. On the other hand, I have refused to verbalize that stuff for reasons that aren't easy to explain either. Suffice it to say that I recognized claiming credit for what some people call 'unearthly powers' didn't do Jesus any good and I couldn't see it doing me (and, hence, the world) any good either.

. . . . . Where is this going? Lately I have changed what has been basically a no-exceptions policy for the duration of my recognition of what we might call unusual capabilities. I have not used these powers I've known I've had for personal profit or retribution, and i reckon the reasons are pretty obvious. (I wanted to work for the common good and get better at what i was doing; "never take advantage of power" Lao Tsu said.)

. . . . . Anyway, lately I've rather come 180 degrees on the retribution issue, which obviously hinges on being judgmental about people and situations. Naturally i've been averse to being judgmental, falling short so often myself ("If we would judge ourselves we would not be judged," Paul said, never saying it was a once-and-forever thing [anymore than he said to "Esteem others above ourselves" (2014 note:  not sure what that meant)]. Obviously they are [or should be] on-going processes.) But I digress. Yeah, I've decided (hopefully been led by the spirit of love) that people's perception of me is so far off base I need to do something about it. Of course i recognize the probability that this will be counter-productive, but in chapter 10 i think I mentioned about people who have no weapons being despised and I know that's not what God wants of me.

September 9, 1999  ***************************

. . . . . So yeah, I've started praying for people and asking God if they are de facto enemies of mine that He like strike some of their stuff. Vindictive. Judgmental. Not wanting to believe the worst in people but continually being forced to reconsider. And here's the part that bothers me the most: If it is an either-or universe for a collective mankind, I don't think it would bother me to spend eternity in hell (i guess i deserve it on general principles, forget the fact i haven't done/don't do felonies) if the whole world went with me. That's my judgment right now.

. . . . . What am I asking, you might ask. I'm asking that we seek out judgment and justice (Matthew 23:23-24: "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone. Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.") and simply agree to change our priorities to the point that everybody has some gruel and a place to get out of the rain. We're not even close. We have no common language because we have no love for one another. We're going to hell. We try to serve God and money. Period. It cannot be done. Period. Think about it.

. . . . . That's asking too much, to ask you to be an advocate of change, of hope for a world gone wrong? (And really, I don't do it myself, not anymore, maybe because people avoid me and are happy to do so and who am i to blame them?) Well, how about working on yourself. Consider if Jesus was, in the view of His society, something like me in the view of ours. (He was despised and rejected. Me too. He said "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." So do i. He said reject ordinary mind and common sense and feed people. So do i.) In "A Sunday School Lesson" i discuss having the form of man and being without sin and without blame. I'm asking you to think about it. Think about the people of His town being so 'familiar' with Him that the possibility He was the Messiah did not bear consideration. Think about this for years, like i did. And ask yourself if every idle word you've said, everything you've done and thought and didn't do, if your rationalizations and excuses and, yeah, sacrifices and good works, will meet the approval of The Man who suffered so on behalf of mankind and told us He's coming back to judge everybody and hopes to find that His world has been managed by good stewards.

. . . . . Where I'm at is realizing that Jesus was a sentient being, He "was made a little lower than the angels", (or was that John?) and He apparently, to me anyway, lived an unconventional, nonconformed life until He was thirty and God said He was "well pleased" by Jesus. So He was talked to by God, saw visions, must have dreamed dreams, cursed fig trees, judged no one "yet if I do my judgment is true", and it's apparent to me a lot of people wanted Him to declare war with the Romans (here's a snippet of scripture, printed red in my Bible: "The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth." He said He could have asked and God would have sent 20 legions of angels to fight for Him. But He didn't. Why? Because He saw the future. Maybe this was something He didn't share with the disciples, though I suspect He did and declared it Top Secret in the same breath. Nah, probably not.

. . . . . But yeah, I'm thinking this might just boil down to one person. And I've seen Him i keep thinking. And I've been scared ever since. And I really have worshipped this Being i said i was so much like. And if He's me, well, I feel more and more like

. . . . . Crazy. Depressed. I try to put my best face on it, but when el king said in much wisdom is much sadness it still makes me wonder if i'm full of wisdom not of this world. "The wisdom of this world is foolishness with God." I'm afraid most of my mistakes are simply signs of the power of ordinary mind because i feel like under a microscope. 

. . . . . Obviously (to me) Jesus was reviled as an evil being more than comes across in a casual perusing of the Bible, especially when one has been indoctrinated into what passes for Christian doctrine today. I've said in public and (rather privately?) here on the web that the most poignant scripture in the Bible is when Jesus says "If" He "with the finger of God" does mighty works . . . Think of it __ so many people against Him He was forced to admit that it was merely a possibility that He was the Messiah predicted in the Bible of His day. Kind of stagger your imagination? Good. Hold that feeling and explore it. With love. With unbearable compassion for every sentient being. And yeah. You have to work at it, 'cause it kind of goes against our nature and our common sense, to care enough for others to change it all.

. . . . . And yeah, I'm taking what is obviously a desperate stand for all of mankind maybe, putting my existence on the line (again) in a manner which will hopefully get people concerned enough to get involved, and hopefully they'll be on my side, which all along really has been the side of the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to break free of the iron grip of abject poverty.

. . . . . I'm gonna try to put a letter I wrote to the editor of the biggest paper in the state back in 1985 on my site pretty soon, just for perspective. 'Cause I know Dylan said you don't ask questions when God's on your side, but I'm thinking I need to convince some people I'm on their side and they ought to be on mine 'cause the longer I live the more it all starts to make sense. But it ain't the common kind, and please help.

. . . . . (This paragraph is the end of chapter 10; just thought I'd leave it here; look for 11 soon <smile>.) Yeah, that's what I'm wrestling with right now (now being actually May 28th; I've basically finished Chapter 11 but this fit better here i thought [2021 note:  no idea how this is Chapter 12]) and it's pretty sobering thinking let me tell you. I've gone along so long exhibiting all these fruit of the spirit and even signs and wonders and feel like I'm more and more despised. And I know that's not God's will. Of course, being here in the heart of the beast as far as my low-down reputation goes is a factor. I keep thinking it's God's will if only to keep His will (His outstretched Hand[ see Isaiah 5:25 and 9:12 and 9:17 and 9:21 and 10:4]) at bay from these poor lost ignorant souls who've persecuted me so. I guess time will tell.

. . . . . Here's a screen capture I did the other day of a(nother) Zen Bible search: I have over three thousand notes in a QuickVerse note file from my daily Bible reading of the past year, and intend to post some of it any day now. I know I keep saying I hope I've said all I'm supposed to, but I'm feeling like the times they are a-changing (again [and maybe it's good therapy]):

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