A Journal: Chapter 4 (continued)

February 17, 1998    *******************************************************************

. . . . . Well, I had intended to (and think i didn't) point out my waffling in earlier journal entries on the matter of assurance of salvation (although I recall it was with "regrets" that I renounced a profession of belief that my soul would enter heaven upon the demise of this flesh I inhabit, so to speak) in my "last" entry. That particular statement might have been interpreted as pretentious or hypocritical, I'm sure, though I confess it was not entirely a matter of wanting to be a good example. Since I have been in the 'Burg, I have told a fellow traveler (I might say) that I would like to read Ephesians 6:10-17 every morning. ("Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: . . .")  I later mentioned to this person that the "we" in verse 12, I am convinced and convicted, is a reference to those who have overcome the world, and that we wrestle not the flesh and blood but the ordinary mind and hard hearts of those who have conformed to the world to the extent that, as I've said before, they will not change even when confronted wtih (sic) the truth.  (2014 note: my claim there to have overcome the world is hereby pronounced false; so why did i just state it was "not entirely wanting to be a good example" that made me say i ain't saved?  understatement i fear.  not knowing.).

. . . . . Yes, this is all to say that not only have I finally put on the helmet of salvation (hopefully this will be interpreted as one situation where the exception kind of proves the rule, because a careful interpretation of the writing on this site hopefully will convey what I believe to be the correct one: if I'm right, I sure ain't happy about it...), but that I do believe that verses 19 and 20 of Ephesians 6 hold a special significance for me (if only because I have tried to carry what surely is at least a quasi-prophetic message for so many years now). (...And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.)

. . . . . Why say this? Not to invite the obvious "delusions of grandeur" finger. Because my sense upon meeting Johnny J. was that he was not merely testing me (just after my encounter with him I actually had sought, for the second time [if one doesn't consider my Al Green thing a dream] to start what I have been considering Armaggedon) but, perhaps a week after that meeting I had an encounter that made me think he was interested in my counsel. Crazy, huh? I gotta concur, but again, these are mere possibilities, and I sure hope I'm the nothing and the nobody many here in my "home town" have considered me for so long (because that might be considered by many to be rather good news for modern man, and I like to think that my actions for many years have been prompted basically by a selfless love for mankind in general). Long contemplation on the matter led me to think that, should he approach me at any point in the future, I would advise him not to start it. Indeed, if it is him, perhaps he is the one who needs to conquer death personally (as I have tried to do for oh so long: Lao Tsu said "To die but not perish is to be eternally present" and I think in these pages I've made clear my position on assurance of salvation resides in not being a sentient being) as opposed to overcoming that ubiquitous ordinary mind (see I Corinthians 15:26) I've proposed we should consider the enemy, the dark force in the universe . Real crazy, but "The wisdom of this world is foolishness to God" and "God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence." There seems to be a retarded approach by people toward God, like it doesn't matter what we do or how we be so long as we have a "personal" relationship with Him (not that it isn't critically important) and "believe" (talk about words losing their meaning with overuse and, say, familiarity) that He loves us. I talked with a "retarded" being who probably doesn't have an IQ of 70 for ten minutes once, in a gathering of maybe fifty who wished (I remember thinking as a huge possibility) I would see that they put me in the same boat as him. The next time I saw the boy, a week or two later, he approached me with open arms and naturally I (demonstrated my natural affection the Bible exhorts us to have) gave him a big hug. My point is, he really had no reason to believe I had the kind of unconditional love he expected me to demonstrate, and my greatest fear is that not many but most people in this world have based their spirituality on the hope that God will love them as I love that retarded child, and since their reasons center around the doctrine of men Jesus warned us about (that's in one of the Sunday School lessons on this site I think), what people really ought to expect is judgment, not mercy, simply for having conformed to the world (see Romans 12:2) instead of the dictates of their conscience, which dims from childhood as ordinary mind directs the heart into that hard attitude of Me First, Charity Starts At Home, It's A Dog-Eat-Dog World, on and on ad nauseum. At any rate, again I find myself in a state of disgrace with humanity here in my little town. And it works for me; I really am able to be content in whatever state I find myself (like Paul claimed). Perhaps I will go into reasons for this (actually it's a continued, rather than re-encountered) state of disgrace. I might have written "again" just because I was gone for a decade.

. . . . . The day before yesterday I did a Zen Bible thing and read Isaiah 61:1. Naturally I thought of Jesus opening a scroll there and reading from it. The day before that, I think, I opened the Bible to Zephaniah and chapter 2 verse 3 seemed to be the reason for my being in that book. Bob Dylan sings "it's not dark yet, but it's getting there" on his latest album, titled "Time Out of Mind". I've seen dark days (Amos and Jesus tell us to expect darkness on The Day of the Lord, by the way) and certainly realize that I could be entering another dark period of my life. But I think Dylan is not merely a musical genius but a prophetic voice in the wind, if you will. ("The answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind; the answer is blowing in the wind." My dream/vision was a huge tree, addressed here, and the wind was everybody wrestling with each other for more of anything.) If we all just be still (I hope everybody doesn't need to still mind as well as body; that's where that crazy drug talk of yesterday came from) like I wrote yesterday(?) and pray for mercy and judgment day, that might be the main rule: Put time out of mind, 'cause there ain't no such thing in eternity. Think about it.

March 1, 1998 *******************************************************************

. . . . . "Faith, if it hath not works, is dead" and "Faith without works is dead" James wrote (James 2:17 & 20), and it certainly has given me pause despite the fact that the doctrines of men (hopefully addressed sufficiently on these pages to open eyes that have not seen) have rationalized and explained these particular verses away into not being merely contradictory but (in effect at any rate) meaningless. I don't think so, and don't see how a thinking person could.

. . . . . Perhaps, speaking of works, it would be appropriate to mention something of my main daydream, which (to my mind anyway) speaks more of a Walter Mitty complex than a delusion of grandeur, since all who know me probably readily will admit that humility is the foundation of my character, in attitude, aspect, and actions. (Pretty humble statement there, huh?) Let your reach exceed your grasp (so long as you don't reach to relieve covetousness) is an old saw I've liked and hung onto, and my daydreams have since childhood been those in which I play the benefactor of mankind. Anyway, back in the '70s I get this feeling that if I just understand the music I'm listening to then the people making the music will be able to see me in the form of an astral projection. C.S. Lewis said that music and silence are two things the devil can't stand, and music has been like a mysterious gateway to reality for me since I can remember. So, for part of my twenties and all of my thirties I try to study to music, and I do some dreaming. I tell my musical friends the outcome of big sporting events at first, just (in my dreams) to thank them for being there with me in my times of solitude (which were many). And all my friends keep making great music that I feel like I'm understanding better as time goes on. The focus remains to discover The Truth, of course, which is what my serious intentions have been all along. But I wanted to mention works. In the early eighties I realized that God has told us He's gonna' destroy the earth again, only with fire this time instead of water. And I realize that nuclear holocaust is an ideal method for this. And I say to myself 'If the Russians think somebody important is living in Amerika, maybe they'll rethink this overkill stuff I keep reading about. So, in one of my daydreams, I visit the Kremlin and tell them just enough to get them thinking. Pretty wild, huh? Of course I'd be a Nobel Peace Prize winner now if it were true, and I actually never was under anything like a delusion about all this. Just dreaming. But I kept going back to my original theory about understanding music and astral projections and came up with an interesting hypothesis: What if the Holy Ghost is a person who's gonna appear on earth like Jesus, and live His life like us, only He's here on a mission from God (and Jesus) to lead us into all truth, like Jesus said, and to reveal the hard truths that even the disciples weren't ready for, again like Jesus said. How would that mission play out? And here's what I came up with (I know this is long and irrelevant [as well as, I suppose, irreverent], but this is my web site and I get to put whatever I want to on it.): The Ghost is gonna be real busy, 'cause He has to put in lot's of appearances to Old Testament prophets and New Testament people. And when it comes down to hard truths, first of all (I decided He would tell us), there will be an accounting, a judgment. But worst of all (this is the worst thing I could come up with anyway) it turns out that, yes, Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega, and He's not just the last Adam (the quickening spirit), He's also the first. He started it and, here's the bad news, He needs all of us to finish it good. And people are so peculiar (to say nothing of being hard-hearted and stiff-necked) my prediction (after I was almost through typing that I started to change it to "prophecy" <smile>) is they won't help even if they're the ones who have to pay, and even though the price might be more than they can imagine. 'Cause what it boils down to is Jesus is the rebel in heaven who thought pleasure was worth being separated from God and the pain wouldn't amount to much! Okay, back to serious stuff (after I mention how grateful I am about my conviction that I have done all that God wants me to do, as witnessed by my repetitious theme of being through with this journal, which really does seem to be the end of this web site since, as I said, further study serves merely to corroborate my earlier findings and certainly just posting these pages to the Internet brings them to the attention of the [HELLO] WORLD<grin> [For non-geeky types, that "hello world" message traditionally has been the first message to flash on the (lonely, tiny) computer screen of fledgling programmers in perhaps most programming languages.]).

. . . . . I did a cursory search in QuickVerse (man AND works) which might be illuminating for some.
(Prov 24:12 KJV) If thou sayest, Behold, we knew it not; doth not he that pondereth the heart consider it? and he that keepeth thy soul, doth not he know it? and shall not he render to every man according to his works?
. . . . . Strikes me that excuses won't do much good.
(Mat 5:16 KJV) Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
. . . . . Might be wise to look back at verse 13 now.
(Mat 16:27 KJV) For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works.
. . . . . Angels I'd like investigated, but it don't get much plainer than the last part of this verse (rationalizations and man's doctrine aside).
(Rom 4:6 KJV) Even as David also describeth the blessedness of the man, unto whom God imputeth righteousness without works,
. . . . . Remember God making an exception of David, excusing him as it were? (The verse seven is from Psalm 32 I recall.) We really have reason to look further into Romans upon reading verse 5, where the same writer tells us there is none righteous, no not one.
(James 2:14 KJV) What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him?
. . . . . Just read this as a question God wanted James to ask us.
(James 2:17 KJV) Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.
. . . . . Perhaps James answered that critical question in verse 14 here, the way God wanted him to answer it.
(James 2:20 KJV) But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?
. . . . . Will you see this written question, or hear it read aloud, and understand in your hard, hard heart, and change your ways, as a person, a family, a church, a nation, a world neighborhood?
(James 2:24 KJV) Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only.
. . . . . Faith, hope, and charity are the big three I read, and I understand that charity (or love) without acts is vain.
(1 Pet 1:17 KJV) And if ye call on the Father, who without respect of persons judgeth according to every man's work, pass the time of your sojourning here in fear:
. . . . . Quite clear to me: God judges according to every man's work. Forget not, those who doubt and scorn and jeer at my madness, that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

. . . . . "The Bible is a dangerous book, though by no means an evil one. It depends, largely, on how you read it with what prejudices and with what intellectual background. Regarded as sacred and authoritative, such a complex collection of histories, legends, allegories and images becomes a monstrous Rorschach blot in which you can picture almost anything you want to discover . . ." This quotation is attributed to Alan Watts on an interesting web site I stumbled upon recently. I put it here to point out how that perhaps we as a people don't do enough thinking for ourselves; we're happy to let others do it for us, and that certainly is what has happened in the matter of formulating our opinions about large and small matters. Let me close with Isaiah's sad lament, which I'm sure I've quoted elsewhere on this site: "The priests bear rule by their means, and the people love to have it so." (I lied: let me close with another:) And so it goes.

March 4 *******************************************************************

. . . . . I really don't mean to make light of serious matters, though it strikes me that it's necessary to expose to the light some of the fantasies I've indulged in for purposes of therapy, 'cause I do admit that my peace and serenity of late are possible because I can maintain the realization that this (difficutl) time will pass. So here I am again...

. . . . . Of course, given the dark times to which I alluded earlier, I suppose it only natural for me to re-examine the darkest thoughts (call 'em 'possibilities' which have crossed my mind, rather than thoughts, por favor) I've entertained in my gargantuan day-dreaming, and those have centered (however briefly) on the matter of the anti-Christ. Check this out for wild: I'm attending an Episcopal service and I go in almost late and sit (naturally and correctly I'm thinking) by the man who more-or-less raised me. Now I've attended these services years earlier and not paid much attention to the processions and other rites/rituals (whatever they call them) but this day there's a procession which halts right next to me and I feel a lot of energy, which I try to attribute to the attention of the congregation. (I do present quite a sight in my shabby clothes I'm sure.) Allow me a digression: When I first started entertaining these fleeting possibilities of being there where I was not, I also started entertaining these fleeting possibilities of being there where I didn't want to be, like when I was reading the Bible and sure didn't want to be where a prophet was writing a book, say, as opposed to the recording sessions of the music I was trying to understand. That struck me as down-right frightening, as I had, by this time, read and studied the Bible for a number of years (and I think my reading comprehension has pretty much made the Top Ten list for most of my life, at least insofar as I believe I've been able to pay particular attention to important stuff and even understand a lot of it), so I paid particular attention, naturally, to this obvious war between good and evil, light and darkness, and one of the main players was the devil, who might just have been, I remember thinking, this anti-Christ in the flesh and, even then, I remember the thought crossing my mind that if merely me was like personally involved in this stuff (humility really has been a strong suit of mine for most of my life) there was no doubt people were going to point a finger and say "Aha!", so to speak. At any rate, whenever I have had one of those fleeting thoughts of being (kind of) where I didn't want to be, I'd try to focus on where I was. (Check this out: Sometimes I didn't feel like that focus was working, so I'd change my appearance. That possibility actually went through my mind. Manifesting objects at recording sessions was a possibility that crossed my mind a couple of times too. Maybe the first time I tried it I got the impression that the band at the recording session was in financial distress, and I tried to materialize a ten-thousand-dollar bill. Yeah, is that unreal or what? But check this out: Maybe years later this guy showed me a bogus bill that was pornographic in nature i guess, and the thought crossed my mind that that was the result of my effort. Quite an imagination, I decided at the time. The only other effort at materializing stuff, since I just didn't get a good vibe from it, was doves, 'cause then and now peace for all was my objective and i thought it would be good symbolism <smile>. And by the way guys and dolls, I still don't want you to tell me, but it might be a good idea to tell everybody else about this now <big smile>. [Another digression: In that serious essay I mentioned recently I spent a good deal of energy trying to address the concept (which I've written a bit about on this site; actually said people reading Bible etc) that "attention is energy"; and don't doubt that these thoughts could have arisen then by someone reading this (I know the Web is huge, but you gotta admit, it is a possibility) and sending that energy to me then.]). That feeling of being somewhere else hit me in church that day. Recently I read Psalm 22:16: "...Dogs have compassed me; the assembly of the wicked have enclosed me..." and, when I used the alternate translation of 'enemies' for 'dogs' ('adversaries') and considered the fact that I have severed, basically, the shallow ties that bound me to most of my would-be family (not that it will help me in this world, of that I'm most certain but as a matter of being true to what I believe in and also hoping that they might look harder at the truth and perhaps even break out of the earthly, conventional bonds which seem to have them so captive) that event recurred, and the possibility as I live and breath crossed my mind that there's this word-of-mouth secret in that so-called church and I'm the bad guy it it. This regrettably tied in beautifully to my re-examination of the anti-Christ, which has involved quite a bit of prayerful meditation on particular scriptures, notably the one where Jesus talks about the "abomination of desolation" standing where it ought not to stand as being a part of the end times. I confess I gotta wonder if Daniel misinterpreted a vision of his, and Jesus used the term as a metaphor, i.e., that the abomination is that, like Jesus Himself (the "worm" who was so scorned in Psalm 22), a being precious in the eyes of the Father is abandoned by the blind and deaf (so to speak) of this world, and this precious being (here's where this whole thing came from: here's the incredibly ludicrous notion that crossed my mind:) shouldn't have been in that assembly of enemies and wouldn't have been if he [yeah, the notion had me as the focal point, but I must hasten to add that I don't like the word 'enemy' and have been, even since that would-be turning point I mention at the first of this journal I think where I say I'm starting to be judgmental; actually (the possibility occurs to me as I write) my list might be far shorter than it should be; hopefully the great pretence I know I mentioned recently involves ordinary mind more than it should; certainly that would coincide with the attention=energy theory, which means I've been correct in hoping to curtail this journal activity <big smile>] were as tuned in to reality, as discerning between good and evil, say, as I have been claiming to be on these pages. Wow; writing that down wasn't cathartic, it seems to me, merely foolish. I mean, I've run into stiff opposition to my attending AA meetings (something which might be hard for a member to believe, given the principles on which the organization purports to operate) because of my tendency to try (I say 'try' not because it's my intent, but rather that I know I make mistakes more frequently than I'd like) and interject appropriate scriptural references into discussions which kind of adhere to the doctrine (call it dogma if it makes you feel better ;-) ) I've been trying to disseminate for a long time. (And 'doctrine' does translate as 'teaching', authentic/true or otherwise.) Anyway, continuing in this vein, I realize, shore ain't smart. And so it goes...

. . . . . Possibly the most off-the-wall possibility that has crossed my mind (yeah, even really seriously considering I met Jesus, in my thinking, wouldn't qualify for this position__talk about radical, huh?) has occurred to me more than once, has actually occurred several times and, despite what I feel is a real connection with reality, this particular possibility has caused me to act (really something I don't like to do, as I've said before, preferring to allow things to happen being one of my basic operating principles I think I've shown over my life): once when I posted that entry about needing to respond to the world (like there were people not just reading on my site, but actually agreeing with it and working to change it all) with what I have to call "war", and the other time when I was listening to Al and dreaming, just considering possibilities and what God would have me do both times, if truth be known. And therein lies the problem. One of the first "messages" I tried to convey to the musicians I visited <smile> was to not tell me anything ever. I repeated the "message" several times (duhl smile>); I guess you could say I've had too much time on my hands for too long through too many phases of my life, and I'll admit I've told people I can entertain myself, believing it. Anyway, I still don't know if anybody's believing what they read, much less acting upon it. So I take it all back, the stuff that I said (though I think now I'll leave it as I've posted it; dunno why ya know) about starting a revolution. Though I still believe we're rolling toward something, I simply don't have enough data to make a decision. I've been fooled too many times by too many ordinary minds, which leads me to another point or two:

. . . . . Of course I will lean on Lao Tsu for the rest of my sentient days in that one translation that says "Those who know are not learned." God works in mysterious ways is something with which I think all believers will agree. Maybe Jesus is gonna come back from the sky one day and judge the living and the dead. Maybe he will be (or even has been again) born to woman to walk the earth again and we will have to survive Armageddon to even get to Judgment Day. Maybe there will be just a remnant left from nuclear holocaust or such, and another millennium or two will be necessary to have another chance for mankind to prevail, rather than just endure. There's lots of possibilities. I don't feel concerned about them at this point; I've told several people that my fervent hope is that I've done all God wants me to do, and my faith is such at this point (not something I could claim through long stretches of my life on this earth, believe me) that the manner of my death is of little concern to me. My concern for the masses lies at the other end of that spectrum of faith__I have little faith that most people are even aware of the straight and narrow way. "Many are called, but few are chosen" is another of my main concerns these days, though at least I can hope that mankind will regain a common language of love, for every neighbor on the planet (the second most important commandment, Jesus told the questioner, is like unto the first: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"), and (first and foremost, loving Him more than family) for God.

. . . . . Just to (hopefully) cover all the bases, let me mention that any serious considerations (I interject 'serious' because all the weird stuff that happened from the point of that unearthly dream I've mentioned [the voice, not the vision] did serve to make such a possibility cross my mind a number of times, but logically I was able to give this no credence) of my being more important to God's earthly domain than the common denominator of being a child of His (albeit one who had discovered truths that simply didn't appear to be obvious to the masses) came only during the prolonged meditation I mentioned at the beginning of this journal. I don't know why I wrote that, but so be it.

. . . . . More of the same for anyone (who might actually be on this page and) getting bored: When I came over here it was interesting to me that my wife had sent with me both of the (quality) t-shirts we had received from a hardware company. Interesting because she's always presented herself as possessive and materialistic, to say nothing of the fact that she likes t-shirts. The only word on them, in large letters down the front, was "iomega" (the name of the company (whose products I enthusiastically endorse; e-mail me about the payoff :)). Arriving at my old home-town afforded ample opportunity to consider possibilities, and one which crossed my mind was that there were a lot of people who thought I was the beginning and the end (this all strikes me as wild beyond belief; not just that such possibilities would cross my mind, but also that I would write 'em down and post 'em on the Internet fer cryin' out loud), that I was responsible for all this. (Maybe I mention that 'cause it's the first time I ever realized that maybe Jesus was the angel whose behavior or heart or whatever earned merit with His Father. I dunno. I kinda think he volunteered for the mission.) Now the possibilities (the wild and crazy ones, that is) of my reality center occasionally on being desolate. Nuthin' new under the sun, huh? I can remember years ago listening to Dylan sing "stuck inside a M(m?)obile, with the Memphis blues ag'in" and wondering if it was my fate. (Yes doctor, I can recall being "lonely as a cloud" as a child...perhaps you'd prefer I say intellectually and emotionally precocious? <smile>) No big deal. I don't think it's what God wants for me, but it sure is what I've got right now, and certainly I can handle it. (The first commandment with promise, Doc?...Long years I just ain't interested in, and haven't been as long as I can recall. Giving up my "hard-hearted" approach to certain people who played a big role in my early years would probably mean an easy air-conditioner to somebody who could use one? Forget it.) Poverty? Nuthin' new to me. Homeless? For too much of my life, in retrospect. Content? Maybe it is just as I've just said lately, realizing that there ain't always tomorrow is all I need.

. . . . . The matter on which this site basically is centered (i.e., what we might call restitution or redistribution of wealth) is where Zen Bible has taken me lately, and one which I might even try to post at some time in the indeterminate future.

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