A Journal: Chapter
2
January 20, 1997 (continued) ****************************
. . . . . It's pm. "All is vanity, saith the Preacher..."
. . . . . When I wrote to the You Know You're a Dylan Fan If ... site the other day, I made a mental note to say something like "I went to the Chelsea Hotel because Bob sang about writing 'Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands' there". I ended up writing "i didn't feel worthy to go in" or something.
. . . . . Someone (may be reading this and) may ask, "Why mention something so petty?" I mean, I'm happy to grant artistic license to artists in general, to say nothing of a genius like Dylan. And it's not that I don't trust him personally; his music is a great and good friend of mine. Perhaps the incident merely is due to my weird muse...(and this entry wasn't even about Dylan's great attitude about writing songs I heard on a bootleg[ 'Seventy Dollar Robbery'], where he said something like "The songs come along, and I pick up a pencil and write 'em down"; nope, even more obtuse than believable I'm gonna label this entry, leaving it just for perhaps purposes i don't know myself)
January 21 **************************
. . . . . Yesterday I realized the possiblity exists that someone has been reading this and is perturbed by the 'k' I've been using in Amerika and kountry. That might be good. Perhaps some reader will find his reality pricked by my tiny needle, and peruse the Bible, and discover a new reality, a new mind (like Romans 12:2) as it were, and work through some stuff and become a new creature in Christ. (The dreaded digression has reared up, so here goes: First, I think the objective reader would have to say that, as hard as I've worked to disprove the inerrancy of scripture dogma, I might be as staunch a defender of the Bible as God's sword and purveyor of truth as any man. That said, let me mention a problem I have with Paul and then a view of the bigger picture. I think all agree Paul was something of a standout; he excelled. He comes across as persistent and perspicacious, but not particularly perspicuous( not to put too fine a point on it); a wonderful role model of a devoted Christian. But I think he was a bit of a control freak. I was reading I Corinthians [again and again] and came across the first verse of chapter 11, as though for the first time: "Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ." Now, like I said, he was a wonderful role model who seemed to worship the dollar only in the peripheral fashion of Christ [who sent to the sea for the tribute money, for example], often working at his trade and basically expending as little energy as possible in the acquiring of working capital, to say nothing of the accumulation of wealth. Still, he spent a lot of time getting involved in petty disputes, which is okay of itself, I suppose, but he seemed to enjoy it. He liked being the boss, and, with all due respect, I think that might be something of which to beware [as Churchill might say]. The end of chapter 2 has him saying, "the rest I will set in order when I come". Not much for delegating authority, definitely inspired, but inerrant? That's like saying Jeremiah's scribe got those long discourses just right. Inspired, no doubt here. Infallible; it strikes me that two heads still make mistakes. (And yeah, I have to take full responsibility for mistakes here.) Anyway, that's the type of nit-picking frame of mind I indulge in this morning before coffee. I really wanted, though, to address what has been a mystery to me for years, that perhaps the spirit has revealed to me. When Saul had his Damascus Road experience, Jesus said to him, "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." I couldn't figure it out, and, like the many other mysteries I've encountered, patiently waited and pondered and prayed for the truth to reveal itself. What I've come up with is simple, but perhaps it will put a spin on someone which will benefit them: Jesus was telling Saul [though perhaps when he hit the ground he was Paul] about His own experience and warning him about the future. The devil, in the guise of ordinary mind, has done his work well; lots of people are indoctrinated in the life of death, we might say. Lots of people, especially those who feel they have found something precious [like simple, painless salvation] have devoted enough time rationalizing, pulling at the reins of their heart, that they get comfortable with the direction and even put the spurs to the task at hand, living and dying. The work ethic of Amerika is heartless. Our lives of quiet desperation mostly are not spent at honest labor, but at the many inventions we have sought out. Check out that dreaded last verse of the seventh chapter of Ecclesiastes.) Change it all; change it all.
. . . . . I was just editing my December 27 entries and came across the "trying of the spirits" mention, and wanted to address it a bit more. I really guess it's the nature of our culture to not trust people in general, and to carefully give back what you get even to those we call friends and (basically) family. One of my major pet peeves is the constant testing I undergo in public. (NO, i've never been paranoid.) I suppose it's my aura. :) Anyway, I did want to mention one time I tried a spirit, back in the late 'seventies. I encountered this fellow with whom I had shared, at one time anyway, what we commonly refer to as a 'bond'. This nice enough guy had become a Southern Baptist preacher. I decided to try a spirit. I told him (and I believe he asked, though I could well have brought the subject up) that I thought Jesus was a great man, but I didn't believe he was the Son of God. I knew enough of that group mentality to realize this was sacred ground. This was stepping on a toe. (Digression: Jesus talked about kicking against the pricks on more than one level; He didn't just step on toes, He kicked shins.) The subject of my scrutiny refused to witness to me. This was at a social event, from which we had both retreated; an ideal opportunity to submit a scriptural reference or two at least. The spirit who was tried, failed. I don't hold it against him; I'm sure he had his reasons, for one thing. Probably the main reason I write this is to mention my failures (great song line from a song sung by Gregg Allman: "Don't remind me of my failures; I have not forgotten them."), of which there have been multitudes. I have been tried so long, so hard, by so many, that I can honestly say I have failed many trials out of spite; simply not interested in passing muster. Maybe that was my erstwhile buddy's attitude. If so, I sympathize, and gratefully again acknowledge that it is the Lord who searches, and knows, hearts and minds.
Proverbs 4.18 "But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day." (My best guess would be I stumbled on this verse and it kind of lit up my life.)(2022 note: still praying that the light that is in me is not darkness)
. . . . . I love my country; and I feel I'm blessed to live here. I served my country honorably in the military, and would do so again if called upon. But still I believe we are wrong to live the way we do, and I fear if we don't change we will be held accountable. In that regard, in our adherence to the status quo, our blind belief in our ordinary minds, I call it a kountry without a kause. (And I guess we all know that countries, like people, who stand for nothing, will fall...[for anything].)
January 22 **********************************
. . . . . Read I Corinthians 1-10 this morning over at the trav's. Struck by Paul's saying in 9:22 that "I am become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some." This rang a bell for me; a lot of his writing does, but a lot of it doesn't, too.
. . . . . 1 John 3.20 was on the screen savior(:)) when I came up just then: "For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things." I said, OK, this is what I'm saying, while we should love ourselves, we shouldn't glory in ourselves, we should just admit that we are sinners and hope that we can utilize the power we have been given to become sons (& daughters) of God( see John 1:12). The next verse, which I looked up, says "Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God." Paul goes on to say we can ask things of God and they will be granted and we just have to believe on Jesus' name, blah, blah, exactly the sermon I've been condemning. The only verse I indexed, though, was verse 17: "But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?" Now that, to me, is God's own truth.
January 23 *************************
. . . . . Spent some time this morning editing :) chapter 1 of this here thing I call a journal. (I was mostly writing this on our old computer, and couldn't save the formatting stuff like bold-face and italics and colors which I consider so crucial :) to this here thing. [don't sweat the small stuff, folks] My editing has been mostly not even reading but looking for parentheses so I could italicize them, etc.)("Change it all", huh? :-) )
. . . . . I wanted to pay tribute to a kindred spirit, methinks. We've subscribed to a Bob Dylan mailing list, HWY61-L, and are really enjoying it. One of the regular contributors mostly signs his writing -jh; we find him refreshing. We found his home page this morning, and marveled at it. Check it out, maybe; click here to go there now.
January 24 ****************************
. . . . . Put the wrong date on the check at the grocery (again). Day started off early (again), though I didn't get up until 6:30. All this medication seems to make me get sleepy in the day, then allows me to sleep at night, but I seldom seem to sleep long or deep. I guess trent lott would say it's my conscience. I really feel abandoned in mobile, 'with the Memphis blues again', as Dylan sings. Very emotional, lots of trouble concentrating, fatigued all the time. It don't take a rocket scientist to call this a depression I'm in. In Undaunted Courage one can learn that apparently Meriwether Lewis suffered from one of these here emotional diseases. (Now that's a word: 'diseased'; i.e., not at ease.) My foundation is that peace that passeth all understanding; I would guess that trent has a peace to his life, too, and pointless arguments could ensue about who has the real peace. Actually, reading the Bible ought to show that the foolish thing is the only one that has a peace that is beyond our mortal comprehension; trent's peace is quite understandable since, like I state in my premise, he apparently has this personal integrity thing in good shape and he sure don't dress like a fool.
. . . . . Perhaps it was a mistake on my part to name one person as an example like I did. It was done that way merely for the impact, doing it off-the-cuff and everything. There were lots of references, vague and otherwise, I suppose, in that Sunday school lesson (which I almost completely re-read yesterday on the 'Net) which I could have looked up and put in, some parentheses I thought about changing to italic. I might do that yet. Anyway, let me, rather than mention more names, mention a couple of incidents of up-close and personal-type encounters where I really got strong soul sentiments so to speak.
. . . . . One of them was up north, at my older bother's. He had the next-door neighbors over one evening. They were nice enough people. I endured, in large part, the evening. Quite by chance I said something, as the gathering was breaking up, that I hope those present took to heart. I was sitting down in a rocker to watch the guests leave, and mentioned, in response to an earlier reference to camping, Thoreau's line from Walden about "We no longer camp as for a night," I said, and attributed it to Thoreau. When prompted, I repeated the line, and added (from somewhere, since I hadn't looked at the book in years) the rest of it (I think), that goes "we have settled down on earth and forgotten heaven".
. . . . . I think, like Thoreau, that the great mass of men live lives of quiet desperation, not hearing that gentle urging from the divine spark residing in them, but given over almost completely to the demon of ordinary mind, which constantly rationalizes and reaffirms the correctness and comfort of the status quo. Everybody has bad times, of course, but some things to "keep in mind" are every man for himself, it's a dog-eat-dog world, there's nothing you can do to change things, don't rock the boat, . . . There are about as many mental mantras as there are sentient beings.
. . . . . Our minds constantly work to lead our hearts into conformity when we're not focused. (see 'A(nother) Sunday School Lesson')
. . . . . I went to a restaurant to drink coffee with some folks this past week. It would have been alright, I reckon, but one of the guys there really knew me. Know what I mean? No doubt, even to the other fellows at the table, who seemed kindly and decent enough souls to me, that this guy's heart was full of darkness.
. . . . . Maybe there's this secret society that initiates its members into more truth than has been available to the masses in the past, and I'm behind the times. I keep hoping and praying this is the case. For years I have been praying this is the case. The way I see it, in the short run, we can't hope for better than to have everybody trying to have contrite hearts. In the long run, if it happens, we need to work on ourselves.
. . . . . Did my Zen Bible thing this morning; hit Isaiah 10, and read, before I had to get back to breakfast, through verse 4, which ends "For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still."
January 27 ***********************
. . . . . Church yesterday was an experience. Chilly Sunday school reception; I carefully wended my way with books and cup of coffee to where we usually sit, and a nice enough woman approaches in the next row and engages me in conversation. Not what you would call good vibes; she implied, quickly enough in the conversation, that Mary and I were not at a Sunday school party the night before ("Maybe nobody called y'all?") because we weren't wanted. I responded that Mary might have taken the call, that she sometimes speaks for me, and that she knows how I feel about social gatherings. The Sunday school lesson was okay, there were some low points (I didn't even clear my throat, because others did that at appropriate times) and some higher points (a brief statement about, I thought, the mystery of grace: a wonderful step forward for our Sunday school class, which seems to have such concrete ideas about it).
. . . . . Church started off with a good end seat in our section; the pastor came by, shook hands big, and smiled at me, nothing new. After the music and just before the prayer, though, I was floored by the preacher saying something about "the abundant life". (Perhaps I should have prefaced this by saying that I have reason to believe the church hierarchy there has exposure to some of my doctrinal ideas not exactly in sympathy with traditional views.) Anyway, the church program had John 4 listed as the sermon's scriptural reference, which I perused while waiting, and Isaiah 40:28-31 was the only other scripture referenced on the program for the service. I had a pew Bible open there when the abundant life reference was made. I didn't participate in the next song, but held the Bible and tried to read it. When the song leader said sit down, I paused for a couple of beats, until the people basically were seated, then slowly, still holding the Bible open, sat. I read chapter 40, and chapter 39, and chapter 40, and chapter 41, and more, all the while listening to the pastor/preacher...I turned to John with the congregation a couple of times while he read there, but I never looked up from the Bible. (2022 note: maybe you had to be there)
. . . . . Sunday school for three-year-olds after "big church" was kind of a chilly affair too, with some of the parents. We reverted back to our twelve-fifteen pick-up time (which had been the norm most of the three years we've worked with the kids there [which is almost the entire time we've gone to church there]), which was no surprise. Afterwards, while we were eating in the Dairy Queen parking lot, I asked MA where in the world the abundant life reference had come from; she said he was just praying that the young couple who had dedicated their child to Christ at the end of the service would be spiritually and materially blessed (I had cleared my throat at that, and somebody behind me had then been rather loud at clearing his throat [It is rather a huge sanctuary].) I said I was talking about the one before the prayer; MA kind of questioned me about it, and I said something about not liking people putting a knife to your back. She asked who was doing that, and I said the preacher had put the sword of the Lord to my back, from my personal perspective. (I actually said, "My weird muse", and she said something about my weird views, and I said, yes.) I went on to say it was "quite a decent sermon".
. . . . . I suppose I must take it that the church view will be that the abundant life Jesus referred to is indeed the spiritual life. If the church vision committee report (due out next week I believe) will commit significant resources to helping the less fortunate, even just in the area, I will consider it real progress. Not the progress of the material world I lamented on the way up; the new motel, superficial aesthetic revamping of coliseums, etc. ad nauseum. I suppose what I should expect from ordinary minds would be a token gesture; what the rather harrowing sermon could have been was a token gesture; the type of subtlety I have encountered at this church before. Perhaps I will elucidate later. (2022 note: i think the church's mission statement, posted somewhere on this site, was the committee's primary outcome)
. . . . . Now I want to mention that yesterday has given me some small hope that the church is not unregenerately recalcitrant. As I have previously stated, the church would make a wonderful vessel in which to shelter mankind; in this country I don't doubt that five percent of gross church income would make a difference in our social structure. World-wide, I have no idea what kind of resources we are looking at, (nor what we need, for that matter). For churches to tithe their income would seem to me to be the minimum. If basic priorities within the church(es) changes, and people at least tithe to the church(es), I believe it would make a difference. Amerikan lifestyles need not suffer tremendously, perhaps.
. . . . . One of the problems seems to be that there is so much wealth in our society that is what we might call imaginary. Lots of very rich people probably have cash flow problems from time to time; if enough people bought into this to make a difference, we might have problems on the bottom end coming up with cash. Of course, this is an imaginary discussion (Again I am reminded of the HWY61-L [here's a 2001 archive site: http://listserv.acsu.buffalo.edu/archives/hwy61-l.html] discussion about the universal attitude: the world revolves around you, and this is all in your mind.), and what I'm interested in distributing is beans and rice. If we used the wealth of the world to fill bellies with simple food, like Lao Tsu said, desire would fade, peace and harmony would be much more widespread (even in Amerikan ghettoes) and there would be enough work for people to earn some meat. Oh well, dream a little dream...
. . . . . On Lao Tsu, I finally got around to searching the web, and found this and this. Earlier I found a translation that was, I think, occasionally incorrect. Anyway, I love the book. (This looks like a wonderful translation.) I consider it the most truth-intensive book, in its entirety, I have ever encountered. (This was a digression I followed because of my use of the word 'subtle' and its use in the translation I mention here, which some might like to peruse for comparison, and thought it used the word too extensively with too much opportunity for the application of negative connotations. No big deal.)
. . . . . I did want to clear up another possible misunderstanding. I have a close relative who continually amazes me. He's always given like the world gives, so to speak (see John 14:27), which long ago I accepted, as little as I care for it. Anyway, not long ago he gives me the impression he's on my side, I elucidate some views, and I think maybe we're in the same book, anyway. Then almost the next thing I hear from him is that he's taking more and giving less. He's a business owner, and I'm sure he isn't rich, but his lifestyle has to be called affluent. Anyway, he basically cuts payroll by some 15%. This, my impression was, was where his thinking led him following our discussion. Talk about ordinary, worldly mind...(2022 note: and desperately wicked hearts)
January 28 ***********************
. . . . . Lots to say, and maybe little time to say it. I don't like to think of my self as paranoid; sometimes I get that way, and today is one of those days. The dining room table Bible is at Psalms now; I read chapters 94 and 95 and 96 this morning. Shew thyself, O God of vengeance, I started out...and ended up at God judging the world with righteousness and the people with His truth.
. . . . . I feel like one of T.S. Eliot's insects, pinned and sprawled against a wall. When Bob Dylan sings of "Lincoln County road or Armageddon", maybe he's singing about the day's realities, and saying maybe Armageddon is going to be up close and personal. Jesus said He could call on legions of angels; maybe Bob can do the same thing. If I was king, I'd be happy to have Dylan as my prince; I'd prefer he were the prince of peace, but if it's war, I would say shoot for the heart unless they wear body armor, then just shoot to kill. I'd say try not to just pick big houses but check for attitudes too. I'm sure it's quickly enough that people would be trying to hide assests more than they do now, but run little skirmishes on expensive restaurant patrons, say, or use a source to follow big-ticket purchases, and definitely randomly use new-car buyers as examples. (2022 note: my God! i remember writing this really stupid stuff) All we are interested in is a reallocation of discretionary income, except for those who try to use the letter of the idea to escape it; people like this would make ideal targets. (Warning: This paragraph has been superseded by a realization that advocacy of violence is wrong; "Vengeance is Mine," says the Lord [and His avenging angels]. )
. . . . . Actually, lately I've been re-thinking an ideological stance; perhaps there are angels of light, and then there are angels of the devil. It seems I've been running into some lately, people (like Pharaoh used to say) with dollar signs for pupils. People who won't reason about this might be worse than unreasonable, which is bad enough. ("Come now, and let us reason together," Isaiah pleaded in 1:18.) If people and churches and companies in general bought into tithing income and re-thinking priorities, there might not need to be too much restructuring of the fabric of our society. But I'm afraid that's how serious it is: that I must speak of the unspeakable.
. . . . . The Peruvian freedom fighters sent me a signal; if I were king I would tell the Japanese to send a billion dollars in aid to the Peruvian peasants (who certainly are) every year, and to let those people go perfectly free. The ones in jail can stay there, for now. But anyone who can look at the Japanese ambassador's house now under siege and the abject poverty that exists in the Latin nations too generally I fear, and not feel a sense of outrage, I say that person is looking at the situation through ordinary eyes.
. . . . . A horrible thought came to me today. Suppose that Boulder murder was a message. If the police weren't saying that there was some kind of sexual molestation I would believe it. God knows a bonus of $118,000 after taxes is obscene, given the world situation. And there are plenty of obscene bonuses, and salaries, and plain old fortunes.. If worse comes to worse, and Dylan, say, declares war, I think the best war plan would be to find out who's keeping big bank accounts and stock portfolios and extra real estate and all that stuff, and focus on them. Next on the list would be plain old obscene incomes. I think $100,000 annually would be a good place to start. Forget moaning and groaning about cash flow problems; it seems to me that fancy hotels and restaurants and cars are dangerous to people's souls; maybe making them dangerous to bodies would help get things moving. Keep watching for change, and never forget the children. Don't get any bigger than now. Keep it as low-key as possible. Be wise as serpents, and simple as doves concerning evil. "The rich man is wise in his own conceit; but the poor that hath understanding searcheth him out." Proverbs 28:11 (Warning: See warning above.)
. . . . . If anyone is looking for my justification in saying such horrible things, look what Paul said: "I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some."
. . . . . I settled down yesterday to work on another set of Bible notes, this one on God's promises. Lots to do, and maybe little time to do it. God knows. One of the promises I hope to get to is Psalm 94:23, another end-of-chapter stopper.
after supper (burritos, with meat, and milk; "the sky is crying"): The thought of sending this out where people might read it bothers me greatly, but when Dylan recently sang about people "breaking down the distance between right and wrong", he sure didn't mean things are getting better; he was pointing out that a gray world is growing darker. My action in sending this message, albeit more than reluctantly, merely is an indication that I am in the process of taking a stand. Mostly it's a withdrawal. ( see 'Journal:Chapte 9')
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